When you receive feedback or realize that you did something to harm someone in any way, the first step after listening and understanding the impact you actions had is to make an apology. That seems simple and obvious, but there is a wide chasm between a good and bad apology. A bad apology compounds the damage done. A good apology will set the stage for healing and repair. But importantly, an apology does not do this alone. You have to follow through and do better, and that should occur whether or not your apology is accepted or you are forgiven. You have two major goals with an apology: to express genuine remorse, and to confront the harm your actions have caused.
A good apology happens in a timely manner. If you have to be forced into it by pressure over time, it will lack sincerity, more trust has already been lost, and harm has been compounded in the meantime. A late apology is better than no apology, but a forced one is worse. If you do find yourself making a late apology, you should also be sincerely apologizing for the time it took you to realize that you were wrong, and include preventing that from happening in the future as part of your repair. If you needed some time to explore and really understand what you are apologizing for, state that. Productive use of the time before the apology can actually be a good thing so long as you don’t delay too much. Similarly, a knee jerk reaction apology is not great either. An immediate, shallow apology doesn’t demonstrate that you are listening to what is being said. Take the time to listen, to really understand what you are apologizing for before you do so.
Making apologies is sometimes a really hard thing to do. Not apologizing can help us maintain our internal self image by avoiding having to confront a reality that we didn’t live up to how we see ourselves. Not apologizing and trying to simply move on prevents us from having to be vulnerable and humble. But not apologizing will only make the image others have of us worse, and compound the harm done.
If you do an internet search on giving a good apology, you’ll find lots of different ways of thinking about it. It’s very worth doing to see the different frameworks that have been created, as a lot can be learned from those variations. But most of them include similar points.
Clearly express what you are apologizing for
The first part a a good apology itself is clearly expressing what you are apologizing for. It means understanding the harmed person’s perspective. It means understanding and clearly expressing what you did wrong and its impact. Good apologies rest on a foundation of empathy. This is why inviting and receiving feedback is so important. It’s not just what you did, but the direct and indirect impacts of what you did.
You want to avoid anything like “I wish I hadn’t…”, “I didn’t think it would be a big deal”, “I’m sorry, but…”or “It wasn’t intended to hurt you” because those kinds of statements are taking the focus away from what you actually did and its impact. If your apology includes qualifiers like “If you were hurt/offended” or anything similar, then you aren’t actually saying sorry. These kinds of statements benefit your own feelings rather than the person you harmed, and they will be keenly aware of that fact. Don’t make your apology about how the other person reacted or feels, make it about what you did.
Similarly, your apology itself should be straightforward and avoid using dramatic language. “I’m sorry” is much more impactful than “I’m devastated”, “I’m crushed”, or even “I regret” because, again, those phrases are focused on how you feel, rather than what you are. And what you should be is actually, genuinely remorseful for the impact you had on someone else.
Take responsibility
Show that you have done the introspection on your thought process and decision making process and can clearly see where you could and should have done something different. This shouldn’t be a long explanation, but rather an expression of understanding, an expression that it was you choices that caused this.
Importantly, this is not a place to rationalize or justify, which is what people often do wrong at this step. It’s not about trying to explain what you were trying to do. It’s not about your intent. Rather, you are explaining that you understand that your decisions and actions were the cause of that impact, and what you know that you could have done things differently. Own what you did.
Express your desire and plan for repair
After acknowledging the harm done and clearly explaining that you understand how it happened, a good apology shows that you want to make things right in whatever ways are possible and ensure that it won’t happen again.
You may not be able to repair things the way you hope. Good apologies are not contingent on forgiveness (or receiving your own apology in return if you feel as if you’ve also been wronged). Of course, anything you can do directly to repair the damage done is paramount, so that offer is really important. But repair also involves making personal changes to make sure this situation never repeats again. Repair involves bettering yourself.
You may not have all the details worked out yet. Depending on the severity of the infraction, this may come from making a formal accountability plan. But regardless, expressing that you will be working on yourself in various ways is important. How are you going to gain perspective and learn the root causes of why you did what you did? What are you going to do different going forward? What self work and/or education are you going to be doing? Be as specific as you can be. If the harmed party is open to hearing it, you can also add more detail at a later time as you discover more resources and avenues for doing better.
Do better because its the right thing to do, for the person harmed, for yourself, and for those around you in the future.
Request Forgiveness
Some sources will include requesting forgiveness as a step in an apology, though it’s often considered the least important of the steps according to at least one study. There can absolutely be value in requesting forgiveness. But keep in mind what forgiveness is really for. It’s not for you and your benefit. It’s for them to let go and be able to move past what happened. Forgiveness may allow them to be comfortable continuing engaging with you again, but it might not. And you have to accept that.
Forgiveness is also something you earn, and not something you are entitled to. So if you include this step, make sure it’s coming from the right place and don’t make your follow through dependent on receiving any forgiveness.
Follow through
Apologies are not the end, but the beginning of accepting accountability. They are the statement that you wish to make repair and know why you are doing so. Now you actually have to follow through with that repair and make changes. Failing to do so renders the entire apology meaningless.
Do the things you said you would do. Be curious and introspective so you continue to learn along the way. Be open to learning other areas where you might need to make some changes as you go through your process.
Here’s a short article on apologies which includes discussion about effective language
This short TedEd video is an easy and digestible way to understand good apologies.
The Hidden Brain podcast has a very interesting episode about apologies
Accountability Paths 