I wrote this as a follow up to my experience with my own accountability process as a way to share what someone committing themselves to an accountability might experience.
What’s The Point of Accountability
One of the first things my pod lead told me when discussing my accountability process, is that the process is intended to remove the burden of accountability from the person harmed, so they can focus on their own healing.
Accountability also exists to support the person doing the accountability as they learn and grow, make repairs, and do better.
Additionally, accountability is intended to attempt to rebuild trust with friends, loved ones, and community; to promote healing; help find a path forward for all involved; to help everyone feel safe coming forward if they are harmed.
What Accountability Isn’t
Accountability isn’t about deflection, or doing things so people will stop people talking. It’s not ticking off boxes and going through the motions. Accountability window dressing only furthers the harm done by brushing what happened aside without any changes, which silences their voice and continues the environment that lead to the harm in the first place. Accountability doesn’t aim to stop conversations about what happened. It’s not just friends supporting the person who caused harm. It’s more than an apology. It’s not stepping back until it seems to blow over. It requires accepting you made a mistake, apologizing for that mistake, owning that mistake, accepting consequences of that mistake, and making actual changes.
—-
I was somewhat skeptical about taking part in an accountability pod originally, because I’ve seen them convened before and then nothing ever seemed to come of it. They can be opaque, which doesn’t instill any trust that any real work was done. But being part of a pod with people who were going to challenge me has shown me what they can be. I’m not saying accountability pods are the be all, end all of accountability processes. Nor am I saying my process is the way it should be done. It made sense for me and the resources I had available to me. But regardless of what accountability process is being used, there are some common goals: They should help identify the areas for which someone needs to be held accountable, identify where practices need to change, and the work that needs to be done. They help lay out the steps that need to be taken in order to restore trust, show the work done, and make amends wherever possible. Good accountability processes take on the burden of accountability so the person harmed doesn’t have to do that labor and can have faith that the work is being done. They help guide insight and drive conversations. They help to set guidelines that support good intentions. They listen and challenge where needed.
There are no guarantees with accountability processes. Going through one does not mean people have to trust you again. It doesn’t mean you are no longer under scrutiny. It doesn’t mean you will be welcomed back to everywhere you used to go. It doesn’t mean you get to do all the things you used to do as if nothing happened. It does not erase the past, nor is a cure-all for harm done. It is not exoneration; it is taking responsibility.
Taking responsibility will free the person harmed to focus on their healing, guide you to do better in the future, honor the faith put in you by family and friends who are supporting you, makes your community safer by taking the situation seriously, and contributes to a culture of accountability that will help others in the community in the future.
That is important to keep in mind because **accountability is ongoing**, even after the initial work has been completed. It’s not about avoiding losing things in your life. It’s not about getting things back. It’s about doing the right thing and improving yourself. Accountability means doing your best and applying lessons learned. I am imperfect and give myself grace, but also have a standard to live up to as best I can. And that’s something I believe we should all strive for.
Having gone through an accountability process, I have some thoughts about it that I think can be applied to many accountability processes.
—
It’s Not Simple
Accountability is not something talked about very often in concrete ways. It can be complicated to sort through feelings, find the right process, and find people willing to help. I was very lucky to have knowledgeable and experienced people around me who could talk to me, guide me, and give me options and examples.
There’s A LOT Of Feelings
At the beginning of this process, my pod lead said to me that it’s ok to have feelings, that part of the process is working through those emotions. Feeling hurt, feeling attacked, feeling guilty about the labor others have to put in as a result, worrying about losing friends and trust, potentially losing opportunities for future play and connections, the impact on others who associate with me. There was even a degree of resentment about being put under a microscope when I’ve tried so hard for so many years to do the right thing. I felt scared I’d miss out on the kinds of scenes I want to have. Scared that people don’t like me as much as they used to. Scared I would lose community. Scared I might fail in the future and not be able to come back from it a second time. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable but also a reality you have to be at peace with, because ultimately it’s the result of mistakes made. And as such, it was necessary to process those feelings and move forward to trying to make positive changes. As feelings show up at various times during the process, it gets easier to process and move forward from.
One of the big lessons that I really came to understand was that anyone who has been harmed will have a lot of their own anxiety, feelings, and fear which weigh on them. Empathy is incredibly important when it comes to accountability.
In many ways, the most important moment in my process was when I was able to let go of the negative emotions I had at the outset, and move on to being grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow.
It’s Embarrassing
I chose to be very public with the process because the level of visibility means that shining a light is important to make sure that it’s done as best we can and provide confidence in the process (which honestly, I think is good for any accountability process). That benefits the person harmed, myself, organizations I am involved with, and the community in general by removing questions about what is being done and what is being learned. But even with that knowledge, it didn’t feel good knowing that people have undoubtedly had conversations about me and my missteps. I felt plenty of shame, but I also came to realize that shame is key for owning mistakes and taking them seriously; It comes from not living up to who I wanted to be. Leaning into the feelings of shame and why I felt them helped me gain some real perspective and helped guide me.
It’s Anxiety Producing
Wondering every day if there will be something new to address. Having the topic constantly brought up by friends, even in their support. It becomes inescapable. But hiding, pretending it’s not happening or won’t make that go away. Talking through that anxiety with others really helped me cope with those feelings and prevented them from stopping me from facing my mistakes.
It’s Humbling
I started to second guess my skillset when it comes to technique and negotiation. Ultimately, I came to realize that being humbled is not a bad thing at all. My skills are still intact, but that doesn’t mean they can’t improve. Being humble allows me to learn, allows me to grow, allows me to be introspective. It helped me to be a better partner and friend and community member.
It’s Not Just About The Precipitating Incident
As I dove into my accountability process, I found that beyond the mistake I made, the really important thing is why the mistake happened. What guardrails were missing, what communication didn’t happen…what did I miss? I came to realize that I may find have gotten lucky in the past, or that I did the same kind of thing with others but they just happened to not have the same experience with it (which does not in any way mean the complaint I received was invalid). Importantly, a thousand good experiences with people doesn’t counterbalance one bad experience. I like to believe I’m a good person doesn’t absolve me because there is a reason the mistake happened. Which means it may have happened before but no one spoke up, or it may have come close to happening before. Or it might happen in the future if nothing changes, and another person would be harmed. It became obvious to me how important it was to widen my view and look at the situation as a growth opportunity, because I can always do better and learn.
I Owe It To Others To Take It Seriously
As my process moved along, I had time to reflect on how much help and grace I was being given. Organizations, venues and events chose to not take action against me. Friends and partners around me were putting themselves on the line by supporting me or even continuing to be around me in some cases. There’s also downstream effects on how safe people will feel being in the same spaces as you in the community, or wondering if it’s safe for them to come forward about their own situations and whether those would taken seriously. I’ve been around long enough to witness how brushing aside concerns have driven people from the community when they aren’t the ones who did something wrong. I came to internalize that responsibility to all those people and I found it intrinsic to processing and moving past negative feelings I was having.
No Mistake Is Too Small To Warrant Accountability
I’ve seen it many times over the years; an incident is dismissed as not that big of a deal, or something the other person should have spoken up about in the moment if it was truly that bad. But I also know that’s missing the point. Even for lower level mistakes, there is harm and a ripple effect. Accountability doesn’t always have to be an expansive public process, but I do believe that accountability for harm done is imperative for the well being of people and the community.
Well Intentioned Individuals Can Still Create Harm
And we need to be accountable for that harm despite good intent or inability to predict what ended up happening. I need to claim ownership of hurt/harm even if it’s an accident. I think all too often people avoid accountability for mistakes because they view themselves as good people, and good people don’t violate consent or harm people. But that’s just not the case; Good people violate consent and harm people all the time. Good people are not perfect people. But good people will own what they’ve done, learn from mistakes, figure out why and how they happened, make amends, and do better. Whatever the specifics of the situation, it’s imperative to demonstrate care for the person harmed and develop a plan to prevent such harm from occurring in the future.
Harm Can Happen Even With Consent
Harm occurring does not mean a consent violation occurred every time. Even with all the consent and good intention in the world, harm can still happen. Harm doesn’t go away because the activities were negotiated. Prior consent doesn’t absolve me of responsibility for harm caused, even if inadvertent.
Privilege is Real
Privilege can be subtle and can vary depending on who is looking at the situation. I had a lot of privilege in being able to pull my accountability plan together. I’m afforded more leeway by virtue of my standing in the community. I’m a cis, white male, which tends to promote second chances and believability where others may not be given as much leeway. I have 15 years of social capital to fall back on. My experience in the community has also allowed me to meet knowledgeable people who were able to help give me guidance. I hope in some small way to mitigate my privilege by being as transparent and as open as I can be about my journey. It’s easy to speak to those who don’t really know us. It’s harder to explain to the people already in our corner that we made a mistake and they should take that seriously too.
The Process Made a Difference
This whole experience turned out to be so much more useful than I even anticipated. It started in response to a specific incident, but it helped me broaden my perspective and give me better guardrails and tools to make sure my practice aligns with my values as closely as possible. I don’t think I would have had such a meaningful experience without the structure and help the process provided.
—
I am incredibly grateful for my accountability pod. They were invested in my success, cared about me as a human being, challenged me, gave me new perspectives, and handled everything so artfully.
—
I found so much good to come from going through my process, above and beyond the goals and intentions of going through such a process. My partner and I discussed the situation in detail, which brought us closer. These discussions, and the openness they required, even led us to find new things we want to explore together. I also felt the support from my chosen family and loved ones, even in the midst of hard conversations. I’ve learned and grown from this experience, which is the best outcome I could ask for myself, and I hope for positive outcomes for the person I hurt.
—
One of my biggest lessons through my process is just how important accountability is to healing, trust, and growth. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are told you harmed someone:
- Apologize and take responsibility for the impact your actions have had. Primarily for the sake of the person directly harmed, but also for those around you and your community.
- Have empathy for what the person telling you they were harmed has been going through, and the courage it took for them to come forward.
- Be cognizant of your privileges: Try to think about who might give you more leeway or credibility. Try to think about who might not give the person harmed as much thought or credibility, and speak to them in order to take real responsibility.
- Look for help. Outside perspective is important to help you see what led to the mistakes in the first place. Choose people to help (multiple perspectives are an incredible asset) who aren’t just going to pat you on the back, but who are invested in you as a person and your success. Anyone involved needs to know what their role is. In a more formal process, an accountability lead is incredibly helpful for setting this up so it’s independent of you, to keep the process focused on getting to the core causes of what happened, and to manage the process and keep it on track. Insist that the people helping challenge you. And when they do, take it graciously and seriously, do the introspection, and act on it.
- Be transparent, so that those whose trust you hope to win back can see that you have done the work. That doesn’t mean every single piece of it has to be public, but be clear on what the process will be, the work you are doing and provide updates. Remember that the people who’s trust you want to win back is not just those closest to you if you are taking accountability seriously.
- Identify areas that need change and then follow through on that.
- Invite feedback so you can find out if you may have have more to follow up on and learn from and make amends for.
There are various ways to take accountability. There’s no one size fits all solution. But whatever process chosen, take it seriously, be vulnerable, be humble, be truly apologetic, recognize impact means more than intent, and learn from the process.
You’ll have a lot of feelings. It won’t be comfortable. But you will grow from it and the community will be a better place for it.
Accountability Paths 